Why, yes, I am considering Botox. I have found that small lines and wrinkles are appearing on my forehead, my eyes and around my nose. I see wrinkles forming around my mouth too, when I smile. I have found that utilizing these new methods to slow down the aging process and make you look younger almost immediately. Even though Botox is a neurotoxin that is made from botulinum toxin A, part of the same family of poisons as botulism, a common cause of fatal food poisoning...wait, I think I hear the Fed-Ex truck pulling up to the gates of hell, delivering the much rumored ice machine for making sno-cones and smoothies. Of course I'm not thinking about Botox! There are folks, who are allowed to vote, that have fooled themselves into thinking they can't see the changes that injecting poison directly into their face causes. They look like the face they were born with is frozen in time, except it is frozen with the same look that most face lift victims have, to some degree. I might not age gracefully but I will age ruggedly. A little wrinkle here and there never did a respectable person any harm. Narcissism, when taken to those extremes, can't be good for you. Oh, and did I mention that Botox is injectable botulism? Poison?
12. "It's great to see older people wearing 'young' clothes."
If we do in fact wear those "young" clothes, it's because we actually purchased them and didn't have our mommies buy them for us. I have as of yet to see a person my age wearing clothes designed for "young" folks not have someone who cares about them say "It's great to see older people wearing 'young' clothes.", from my experience, any true friend would say "Dude, you can't be serious, I'm not going anywhere with you looking like that". Men, tread softly when you say this to a woman. Usually when a person dresses way below their age, the only person who doesn't know it is the person attempting to get away with wearing the clothes in question. I mean, it's their money, they can blow it any way they please. If you read my entry yesterday, most times, and for women, they look like 200 pounds of chewed bubble gum in a fifty pound sack. I really feel for women on this issue. Advertising has convinced females that growing old gracefully is a mortal sin. Nothing is further from the truth. Men, fortunately, can get away with more. I'm not talking about a grown man in skinny jeans (the dumbest looking thing since Cannon leg jeans or the 'ass hanging out look'-don't get me started). Although any male in skinny jeans gets exactly what they deserve. I only hope someone they love takes a picture of them so they will always know that being a slave to fashion also means looking like a complete dork. There's nothing more entertaining than a grown man wearing kiddy clothes.
13. "Have you had some work done?"
Yes, I had the transmission rebuilt in my Extended cab Silverado last week, and I got hammered for 1,600 dead presidents. You should read the Botox explanation above before you go any further. I'm convinced that any surgery that isn't required for survival is risky. If you've read any of my previous stuff, you'll know I spent a few years laid up in the hospital after getting clobbered by a four wheel drive Jeep, head on. I was riding my ten speed bicycle at the time, so the Jeep basically won that battle. I had my body operated on 68 times, and that means getting knocked out cold by anesthesia and waking up next to people who were hollering and screaming a few times too. Primarily because they had no idea where they were or how they got there. These were folks who got knocked cold the old fashioned way, in a car crash, and required emergency surgery for survival. I have calmed down more than a few unwilling participants in the recovery room who woke up to find themselves there, unable to move, and not know why. Ladies, if you are going to have elective surgery, make sure of two things: A. It's for a boob job, but only if necessary. Most men like boobs of all sizes and shapes. B. If you are going to make them bigger, go ahead and make them bigger. Not a little bit bigger, I mean check the box that sez "bigger". Not watermelon or basketball bigger, but cantaloupes bigger...a nice, manageable size.. A recent study in Germany has proven that staring at big boobs for ten minutes is like a 30 minute aerobic workout for men. I figure getting slapped for staring that long might be bad for your health, but who am I to judge doctors, and the health of my male brethren. Gosh, if the price of admission is the same and you are stepping up to the proverbial plate, make it count, swing for the fence. Again, most every dude I know likes boobs of any size. Bigger never hurt. And only if you are going to the trouble. That's all I've got to say about that.
14. Younger co-worker: "You remind me of my mom/dad!"
Then he must be one hansom, intelligent, and popular guy. Oh, and humble too. Unless you want me to buy your lunch or make your car payment, or run cable into the basement where you reside. Or buy you skinny jeans. If that's how I remind you of you parents, then move along sonny.
15. Store clerk: "You should see if you might qualify for senior citizen discount."
Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I'm not here to eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon yet, so I'm not that old. When the time comes that I eat dinner at 4 p.m., lunch at 10 a.m. and breakfast the night before, then I'll let you know if I need the senior discount. Right now I'm good.
16. "Dude."
Nope, total disagree on this one. I've heard this word used to express every thing from anger, sadness, happiness, surprise, sickness, health, and any other numerous situations a dude might find himself at a loss of words for. Also includes variations, such as Dude-icus, Dude-inator, Dude-meister, Your Dudeness, and just about any other variation on the Dude name. This is a most important part of any dudes vocabulary. I've heard entire conversations carried on by using this one word, and other than speaking Jive, I understood the entire conversation. It went something like this:
Dude 1- Dude! (Good to see you)
Dude 2- Dude! (return greeting- usually accompanied with half hug/double back tap)
Dude 1- Duuuude...(Guy has brought along a twelve pack of delicious adult nourishment)
Dude 2- Dude? (Guy pulls out his wallet and offers to go in for half)
Dude 1- Doooode...(usually accompanied with a hand wave, indicating "I've got it")
Dude 2- Duuuuude...(meaning 'thanks man, I'll get the next 12, combined with a thumbs up)
Dude 2- Dude?!!! (usually host pointing to a big bag of Doritos or Chips)
Dude 1- Duude (shorter 'duuuuuude', usually indicating "excellent choice")
Simultaneous "DUUUDE!!!!" Usually when a bikini contest, racing, or anything on ESPN is found.
So, with this explanation, do you see why "Dude" can never ever be excluded from the Male vocabulary?
Well, Dude, do ya? Duuuuude...(cool)
And last but not least:
17. "You're old."
I'll just share some song lyrics by Waylon Jennings, then you decide.
"Old Age And Treachery"
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Ain't too much that we won't do what Waylon won't Willie will
Even though we've spent our lives charging up the wrong side of the hill
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Some people say that our get up and go's got up and gone
I don't know bout you Willie
But I can still jump as high I just can't stay that high that long
Even though we've spent our lives charging up the wrong side of the hill
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Young bull says old bull let's run that heiffer down and have a ball
Let's make her squawl
Old bull says young bull let's just ease on adown and love 'em all
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Ain't too much that we won't do what Waylon won't Willie will
Even though we've spent our lives charging up the wrong side of the hill
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Ain't too much that we won't do what Waylon won't Willie will
Even though we've spent our lives charging up the wrong side of the hill
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Some people say that our get up and go's got up and gone
I don't know bout you Willie
But I can still jump as high I just can't stay that high that long
Even though we've spent our lives charging up the wrong side of the hill
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Young bull says old bull let's run that heiffer down and have a ball
Let's make her squawl
Old bull says young bull let's just ease on adown and love 'em all
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Ain't too much that we won't do what Waylon won't Willie will
Even though we've spent our lives charging up the wrong side of the hill
Old age and treachery always overcomes youth and skill
Any questions?
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