"Things you shouldn't say to someone over fifty" - my take on it.

1. "You should really learn to act your age."

Lets see, act my age. I read somewhere that a man's brain is perpetually stuck in the years between 17-19 years of age. It's probably why most men don't get upset about stuff unless provoked by their wife, girlfriend, or significant other. Most men, I should clarify, meaning there are exceptions to every rule. I'm talking most dudes I know here, not the exceptions. I only wish I could have had the experience and mind set I have now at age 17. If it means you (I) have an adventurous spirit and an "I've got a GED and a 'can-do' constitution...let's roll!" attitude, then where's the wrong in that. I've seen many folks allow the circumstances of their lives drag them down to the point where it appears they are just waiting on death to come visit for tea and crumpets. I would like to do more with this one life I'm allotted. I've got a blown out knee and a bad ankle, but I'm willing. Let's roll! If we can get there and back on a few tanks of gas and you are willing to split it with me, we're on.

2. "You look good for your age!" 

If someone says that to me, I know a few things immediately and they are as follows: A. They are sucking up, and most times I can recognize a suck up maneuver immediately. Sometimes a little strategic sucking up is a good thing, but don't push it. B. You want something and think it's better to BS me rather than ask me straight up for it. Trust me, just ask. I can say NO with the best of them. It comes from all the spins of the globe I've survived. C. If you are a friend, then the answer is yes. Just bring it back clean.

I also know this one undeniable truth, and it's this. I do not look good for my age. I got hit head on by a Jeep whilst I was riding a bicycle when I turned thirty. It didn't damage my face but it purdy much red-lined every other part of my body. Again, read the strategic sucking up section above. But be careful. I've been places most folks never see or have only seen done by actors on the big screen, with CGI help, stuntmen and lots of make-up. That is make believe. I've been laid up for long periods of time with my inside parts hanging outside where they do not belong. It was not pretty, trust me, but I survived it. Maybe the best thing to say is "Damn, you look good for what you've survived!"...but keep your clothes on.

3. "Ma'am." or "Sir"

I'm not sure why anyone might get offended by this. I don't mind getting called "Sir" by waitstaff or young people. It' a sign of respect and I can take it. It's the inflection by which it is delivered that counts. I'm only fifty three and it surprises me to hear a young person with a semblance of manners these days. It's a rare art form taught by folks like me to their progeny. It's a shame that good manners began to disappear with the advent of the cell phone. That device gave everyone permission to interrupt a conversation or halt a nice dinner with an obnoxious ring tone. I've often wondered why a good conversation has to be substituted with another at the drop of a hat. I leave my phone in the car when I am in a restaurant or somewhere with friends. They are the most important person  to me right then. Oh, and did I mention the obnoxious ring tones  and loud conversations from the table next to mine? And don't get me started on NEXTEL, the redneck device that chirps like a dying anaconda.

4. "Isn't that outfit a little young for you?"

If Dockers and Polo type shirts look too young, then yes. I'm certain this is aimed more towards women than men.  I have one rule on mens wear, and it is this: you should be able to switch from Spring/Summer wear to Fall/Winter wear by simply adding a sweater vest, warm coat, boots and a hat, baseball, if necessary. Oh and never, ever, regardless of  a man's age, wear a ball cap backwards. It is only cool on kids 12 years and younger. Men look like total morons when they do it. Women, on the other hand, have a totally different set of rules altogether. I've got a dear friend who likes his wife "A little on the trashy side" as he puts it. I've seen grown-assed women, who ought to know better, wear clothes that I wouldn't let my nineteen year old daughter wear. If you've seen pants so tight that the wearer looks like 200 pounds of chewed bubble gum crammed into a fifty pound sack, or and equivalent amount of cottage cheese, then you know what I mean.

5. "You look tired."

You know why I look tired? Because I am! I've been dealing with folks that do not agree with me...my kids! I deal with friends, church, employees, bosses, morons, kids, wives, in-laws, out-laws, jack-legs, peg-legs, reality TV, lap-tops, cell phones, bills, entitlement people, liberals, racism, Trayvon, Zimmerman, Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Democrats, Republicans, liars and thieves (oops, mentioned Democrats and Republicans already), the IRS (oops, mentioned liars and thieves already), FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, The Patriot Act, ass hats, ding bats and generally people who don't realize that I am a genius when it comes to everything. So, yes, I'm tired. It's a kind of tired that a big stack of money wouldn't fix. A good book, a campfire, a river and a good fly-fishing rod and reel might put a dent in it. But just short of that. I'll stop right here for the day.

Nobody likes a whiner.

We'll finish up tomorrow.