The Prince and the Frozen Pea.

So, yesterday I was doing some baking (yes, I can cook) and I stepped on a frozen pea. I was whipping up a few home-made Chicken pot pies for our Sunday go-to-meeting group when it happened. I'm a bit paranoid about stepping on anything, much less a frozen and soon to be flattened vegetable. The incident caused me to change my "blog floggin" direction and write you this entry instead. My reasoning is this, I have what's called Osteomyolitis ( a type of bone infection that can re-activate if I screw up), a by-product of my broken leg two plus decades ago. When I got clobbered head-on by the "Red Jeet" as my then four year old son put it, I had what is called a total non-union double compound fracture. In layman's terms it meant I had both my tibia and fibula crushed (worse than broken I assumed) and the bones forced out of my body, thru the skin, hanging out for all the world to see. In the land of bone breaks and infectious diseases, that combination ranks up there with the winning the Super Bowl and the Olympic Gold medal for the decathlon combined, in terms of really doing it up right... or wrong, depending on your perspective.

I do recall laying on the asphalt, face down, and wondering why I could feel my heel on the back of my knee, but also feel my shin touching the hot pavement. It was not a good thing. I'll share with you a few of the observations I made about the incident as I recall them, while I relaxed on the hot sun drenched pavement at the intersection of Rose Avenue and Selman Drive that fine day. First, as far a fashionable shoe wear was concerned, on June 6th, 1990, the graduating class of Douglas County High School all loved Nike. I know this because of the declined vantage point I had, and shoes were all I could see. Second, it was the final day of graduation practice and where I got whacked was on one of the two main exit and entry points from the high school. That means there were plenty of observers that day, all clueless as to what to do when an emergency presents itself in all its unexpected splendor. I saw more grimaces and terrified looks, from both the boys and the girls, than I'd ever seen in any teen slasher movie. As I laid there, I had to calm a few of them down, giving them instructions as to calling the police and possibly an ambulance. Third, I realized I had a hard time talking because my jaw was dislocated, and popping that sucker back in while I laid there all busted up was a chore. And did I mention that it hurt like hell too?  I should relay to you that it sounded like a wooden mallet hitting a hollow log when it clicked back into its moorings. From the inside it sounded like two cartoon coconuts falling out of a tree, landing right on top of my head one right after the other, as my jaw re-hinged itself.

As I laid there, I wondered what my lovely bride and my two small children were going to think about all this, and I didn't have to wait long. I was able to talk to my bride before they loaded me up into the ambulance. She decided to take a different route to work that day, and came right to the intersection where I got hammered. I was laying there getting attended to by the paramedics when I heard her sweet voice, "It's my husband, it's my husband..."and her life with me changed forever. I remember how lovely she looked that sunny day, the sun behind her chestnut brown hair making it look like she had a halo as she stood over me, cementing her angel status for eternity. She grabbed my hand and said a quick prayer, and they chucked me in the big truck and hit the sirens. I do recall a paramedic, named Jimmy Ball, asking me where I'd like to go. I said, "well, an inside bar-b-que pork and stew delux plate with a sweet tea from Hudson's Hickory House sounds good to me, but I left my wallet at home so you'll have to buy this time."  he laughed and said "Hospital"... I told him "Douglas General was fine for now, and it's right there" me pointing to it as we rode by, my I.V.s dangling like muskedine vines off my arm.

I don't want to bore you with all the finer details about my accident, but I have mentioned it a number of times and a few folk have emailed me asking for a better description of the whole incident, so I've decided I'll share some of it with you. Suffice it to say, I was in such bad shape, I was put on a steady diet of waffles and flounder after my full "temporary" diagnosis was delivered. That might sound like a weird treatment plan to you, but I was so susceptible to infection back then that my condition required that I be isolated. That truth meant everyone I knew, and didn't know, had to wear a gown, gloves, and a mask (after first washing their hands) before they could see me. And that included the cleanest human being I have ever known, my wife. Everyone was so nice to me too, even people I didn't expect to be nice or ever come visit. That included the crusty old fart at church who didn't like anyone. Even HE showed up and was pleasant enough. That told me one thing right there, I was probably not expected to make it out anytime soon or at all. I had collapsed a lung and partially collapsed another, my left leg was "Olympic Gold Medal and Super Bowl Winner" broke, I had a blown out knee, broken ribs down my left side, dislocated my left shoulder, my jaw, torn my left deltoid muscle and had it hanging out of my body (looking like a giant rump roast) at the time of impact. I had thrown up my left arm as a blocking device, out of instinct I guess, when I realized I was not going to avoid getting clobbered. I was laid up in ICU, pumped full of Morphine and hallucinating like I had dropped two tabs of blotter acid. The soft tissue injuries alone made me feel like I had been in a motorcycle accident out on the interstate, 'cept it felt like I was buck-assed nekkid (there's a difference) when it happened. I was scraped, bruised, and cut from tip-toe to top-hat. 

I was in for a long rough ride.

What started out as a frozen pea laying on my kitchen floor has turned to this. I was thinking about what you've read, after the pea dug its way into my bare foot causing me to jump and twist my "bad wheel" when I landed on it yesterday morning. I had to lay up on the sofa with a big bag of frozen corn laid across it. It was an all day affair and I'm still limping from the it. I've not had any unexpected visitors come knockin', and we don't have any frozen waffles or flounder in the house, so I think I'm going to survive it all. I figure I spent a whole day laid up over a frozen pea, you can take five minutes to read about it. The Prince part I just threw in there to suck you in.

Oh, and I guess you are wondering about the "steady diet of waffles and flounder" thing as part of my initial treatment plan. It was the only food that they could slide under the door. That is until the doctors could fully sort out the mess that was "yours truly".

If you'd like, I'll share more. I just won't write it like I am a whiner. I can't tolerate that and I hope you can't either. Leave me a note below if you'd like some more of this, I can assure you, there's a lot of funny stuff to tell.